Life in Aylmer Quebec

There is no song in my title today. There is no laughter in my soul. It would appear that I need you again, the invisible you, my phantom sister to whom I write. I need to be selfish, and I need to howl my heart out. So many things have changed since my last visit, but tonight, the only thing I can think about is the one who is no longer here. There is no possible facebook status update for that one. In fact, I want to tell it to go fuck itself.

Today, I lost my father.

A  man who embodied life, who crowned me ‘Princess Two Feathers’, who gave me music on a silver plate, who taught me how to start a fire and fire a gun and make instant coffee, a man that I loved more deeply than I knew, is gone. A man who believed in buddhism, taoism, christianity, judaism, islaam, a man who was a pantheist agnostic christian atheist muslim buddhist jew. A man who believed in everything and everyone; who loved life and his wife deeply; a man who entrusted his soul to his guitars and his music; a man who taught so many to hear music and not just play it; a man that I only realize,  know that he is gone, had so many things that he wanted to tell me, I just had to ask! I have been robbed and cheated of his presence for the rest of my life.

And dog fucking damnit, it’s not fair.

I want to throw myself on the floor, kicking and screaming. I want to smoke my lungs out. I want to drink my head off. I want to punch somebody so hard they are knocked unconscious. I want to drive my car a million miles an hour. And then I want to sleep. And cry. And blow my nose. And then the cycle starts all over again.

I want my dad.

There is this big empty hole in the middle of my chest, where he obviously used to be, cause as soon as he died, it popped up. I can’t think of any other explanation.

I am really hoping that tomorrow I will wake up, and this will all have been a bad dream.

But that’s just wishful thinking. I held someone’s hand today, as he died. I tried so hard to be strong, as he died. I cried so much, as he died. And then the calmness overcame. And I held his hand some more, and stroked his arm, and kissed his forehead, in the useless hope that he might come back. I think he was long gone. And I’m pretty sure this is not a dream.

I want my daddy back.